Lance Somerfeld, founder of NYC Dads Group, was in the studio with Dr. Lawrence Balter to discuss the changing role of fathers, the challenges dads as primary caregivers face and what can be done to help them.
DR. LAWRENCE BALTER Dads Raising Kids
A significant number of fathers are primary caregivers. They are referred to as Stay-at-Home Dads (SAHD). For some men, it is an option they chose based on personal and professional considerations. For others, it is not a matter of choice. The latter might have found themselves unemployed and by default have ended up at home looking after the house and kids. Those who elect to assume the role of primary caregiver by choice will have a different reaction from those who are not doing so by choice. In any event, both groups of Dads face challenges.
Men who raise children often have to grapple with difficult gender stereotypes. The usual definition of masculinity hasnÂ’t put the accent on child rearing. Women are frequently thought of as more nurturing than men even though there are countless warm and caring men who relate well to their children. We need to realize that how one interacts with kids is more a matter of temperament and upbringing than a parentÂ’s sex.
On the subject of gender stereotypes, one of my pet peeves is the way men are depicted on many prime time sitcoms. More often than not Dad is portrayed as a clueless jerk or a simple-minded chump. What is the point of promoting such an inaccurate and awful picture if we want our sons to grow up to be warm and caring adults who have so much to offer their offspring?
Men who are primary caregivers are trail blazers. They donÂ’t have a lot of role models or teachers. Fathers in past generations occupied a different role in the family than men today. Even when men are not primary caregivers, contemporary families expect Dad to shoulder child rearing responsibilities for psychological as well as economic reasons.
In situations where Dad is not a stay at home, there is the challenge of moving beyond the notion of being a “helper” or “assistant” to Mom as the primary caregiver. Often, mothers are seen as the CEO of the child rearing enterprise and Dad is relegated to pitching in but not being a full partner. Men can and should be equal participants in the job of raising their kids unless the couple agrees on a different division of labor.
When a father is a stay at home Dad, he should expect help from his partner who might be employed full time. Dad is not a hired assistant, babysitter, or nanny. Stay at home Dads usually get to decide on day-to-day matters such as what foods the kids are going to eat and what clothes they are going to wear. As in any family, of course, decisions about important matters need to be arrived at jointly regardless of which parent is the stay at home.
Dads who stay at home confront the same problems as Moms. They are hustling to get to doctorsÂ’ appointments, making school visits, preparing snacks, supervising homework, scheduling play dates and taking care of all the rest of the specs that come with the job. Lack of adult company, boredom, and time pressures are equal opportunity sources of stress.
Psychological studies have shown the positive effects fathers have on a child’s development. As a society, we need to provide parenting programs and workshops for men. More support for men who are primary caregivers is needed. We must also overcome the negative gender stereotypes that often prevent men from developing into multidimensional and fulfilled adults. Rather than labeling child rearing as mothering or fathering, it is probably better to refer to it as “parenting.”
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DR. LAWRENCE BALTER Dads Raising Kids
A significant number of fathers are primary caregivers. They are referred to as Stay-at-Home Dads (SAHD). For some men, it is an option they chose based on personal and professional considerations. For others, it is not a matter of choice. The latter might have found themselves unemployed and by default have ended up at home looking after the house and kids. Those who elect to assume the role of primary caregiver by choice will have a different reaction from those who are not doing so by choice. In any event, both groups of Dads face challenges.
Men who raise children often have to grapple with difficult gender stereotypes. The usual definition of masculinity hasnÂ’t put the accent on child rearing. Women are frequently thought of as more nurturing than men even though there are countless warm and caring men who relate well to their children. We need to realize that how one interacts with kids is more a matter of temperament and upbringing than a parentÂ’s sex.
On the subject of gender stereotypes, one of my pet peeves is the way men are depicted on many prime time sitcoms. More often than not Dad is portrayed as a clueless jerk or a simple-minded chump. What is the point of promoting such an inaccurate and awful picture if we want our sons to grow up to be warm and caring adults who have so much to offer their offspring?
Men who are primary caregivers are trail blazers. They donÂ’t have a lot of role models or teachers. Fathers in past generations occupied a different role in the family than men today. Even when men are not primary caregivers, contemporary families expect Dad to shoulder child rearing responsibilities for psychological as well as economic reasons.
In situations where Dad is not a stay at home, there is the challenge of moving beyond the notion of being a “helper” or “assistant” to Mom as the primary caregiver. Often, mothers are seen as the CEO of the child rearing enterprise and Dad is relegated to pitching in but not being a full partner. Men can and should be equal participants in the job of raising their kids unless the couple agrees on a different division of labor.
When a father is a stay at home Dad, he should expect help from his partner who might be employed full time. Dad is not a hired assistant, babysitter, or nanny. Stay at home Dads usually get to decide on day-to-day matters such as what foods the kids are going to eat and what clothes they are going to wear. As in any family, of course, decisions about important matters need to be arrived at jointly regardless of which parent is the stay at home.
Dads who stay at home confront the same problems as Moms. They are hustling to get to doctorsÂ’ appointments, making school visits, preparing snacks, supervising homework, scheduling play dates and taking care of all the rest of the specs that come with the job. Lack of adult company, boredom, and time pressures are equal opportunity sources of stress.
Psychological studies have shown the positive effects fathers have on a child’s development. As a society, we need to provide parenting programs and workshops for men. More support for men who are primary caregivers is needed. We must also overcome the negative gender stereotypes that often prevent men from developing into multidimensional and fulfilled adults. Rather than labeling child rearing as mothering or fathering, it is probably better to refer to it as “parenting.”
CLICK HERE TO SUGGEST NEXT WEEK'S "MOM'S THE WORD" TOPIC
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