What do you do when you and your husband or wife don't agree on things when it comes to the kids? We talked about it in Mom's the Word with Dr. Lawrence Balter and Darleen and Gregory Jobson-Larkin from Richmond Hill who have four kids of their own (ages 8, 6, 4 and 10 months).
It isn't so much a question of whether Moms or Dads, as a group, parent their children differently. Some Moms are very strict and some Dads are lenient and vice versa. The way we raise our kids is largely a result of our own upbringing, our individual temperaments, and what our kids bring to the mix. Obviously, there are kids who are easy-going and those who test the limits at every occasion.
One of the biggest differences of opinion between parents has to do with discipline. This is not surprising because discipline figures into just about every activity. But it also goes for lots of other kinds of day-to-day situations.
Unfortunately, parental differences of opinion can lead to power struggles and give rise to tension and strife in a relationship. Some parents begin to feel that the children are getting in the way of their having a happy marriage.
It is important for parents to create a family environment where kids won't be able to play one against the other. How many times has a child tried out the oldest trick in the book: "But, Mom said it was okay for me toÂ…" or, "Dad always lets meÂ…" What child hasn't made an effort to divide and conquer? (However, it might not be a ploy if in fact you disagree and actually allow different things.)
Parents don't have to be perfectly aligned, but it is important that they be on the same page about important things. There are guidelines to make it easier for you to share the responsibilities as "co-Captains" of a team that often finds itself in uncharted waters.
Establish an understanding about important matters such as homework, video games, bed time, curfews and so forth. Come to an agreement so you know there will be consistency in your policies. You can handle small matters differently, and children learn quickly what to expect from each parent. The minor discrepancies do not cause trouble for them and gives them some wiggle room, which is good.
When you disagree with one another do not do it in front of the children. It makes them feel uncomfortable and guilty. They don't like to be in the middle of a parent meltdown. Save your criticisms for a time when you are alone together. When you disagree, do it respectfully. You might say: "I was uncomfortable the way you and Suzy were discussing the way she treats her younger brother." Then, politely state why you felt this way, and suggest options. These can be tweaked by both of you until you come up with something mutually acceptable.
Along these same lines, when a parent is in charge of a particular activity, that parent should have the final say. For instance, you might handle homework supervision in one way and your partner in another. The adult who has the responsibility should not be undermined or second-guessed.
Of course, there are occasions when you will hit an impasse. You always have the option of switching responsibilities, but keep in mind that there is not always a clear right and wrong. Sometimes, how you proceed is simply a matter of taste. This means that you need to be flexible and recognize that there are usually several ways to accomplish the same result.
CLICK HERE TO SUGGEST NEXT WEEK'S "MOM'S THE WORD" TOPIC
It isn't so much a question of whether Moms or Dads, as a group, parent their children differently. Some Moms are very strict and some Dads are lenient and vice versa. The way we raise our kids is largely a result of our own upbringing, our individual temperaments, and what our kids bring to the mix. Obviously, there are kids who are easy-going and those who test the limits at every occasion.
One of the biggest differences of opinion between parents has to do with discipline. This is not surprising because discipline figures into just about every activity. But it also goes for lots of other kinds of day-to-day situations.
Unfortunately, parental differences of opinion can lead to power struggles and give rise to tension and strife in a relationship. Some parents begin to feel that the children are getting in the way of their having a happy marriage.
It is important for parents to create a family environment where kids won't be able to play one against the other. How many times has a child tried out the oldest trick in the book: "But, Mom said it was okay for me toÂ…" or, "Dad always lets meÂ…" What child hasn't made an effort to divide and conquer? (However, it might not be a ploy if in fact you disagree and actually allow different things.)
Parents don't have to be perfectly aligned, but it is important that they be on the same page about important things. There are guidelines to make it easier for you to share the responsibilities as "co-Captains" of a team that often finds itself in uncharted waters.
Establish an understanding about important matters such as homework, video games, bed time, curfews and so forth. Come to an agreement so you know there will be consistency in your policies. You can handle small matters differently, and children learn quickly what to expect from each parent. The minor discrepancies do not cause trouble for them and gives them some wiggle room, which is good.
When you disagree with one another do not do it in front of the children. It makes them feel uncomfortable and guilty. They don't like to be in the middle of a parent meltdown. Save your criticisms for a time when you are alone together. When you disagree, do it respectfully. You might say: "I was uncomfortable the way you and Suzy were discussing the way she treats her younger brother." Then, politely state why you felt this way, and suggest options. These can be tweaked by both of you until you come up with something mutually acceptable.
Along these same lines, when a parent is in charge of a particular activity, that parent should have the final say. For instance, you might handle homework supervision in one way and your partner in another. The adult who has the responsibility should not be undermined or second-guessed.
Of course, there are occasions when you will hit an impasse. You always have the option of switching responsibilities, but keep in mind that there is not always a clear right and wrong. Sometimes, how you proceed is simply a matter of taste. This means that you need to be flexible and recognize that there are usually several ways to accomplish the same result.
CLICK HERE TO SUGGEST NEXT WEEK'S "MOM'S THE WORD" TOPIC
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