Mom's the Word: Protecting Your Kids From Sexual Predators

A sexual predator is a person who forces unwanted sexual advances on others.  Rape is an extreme form, but touching and groping are also offenses.  These behaviors constitute a violation of another person.  Although the legal definition varies from state there is general and common agreement that the term can be applied to anyone who commits a sexual offense against a minor. 

Adults who prey on children are particularly egregious individuals.  Children are gullible, often defenseless, and largely incapable of fending off a physically stronger and shrewder adult.  Parents often think of predators as strangers who abduct kids.  Consequently, parents will caution kids about getting into a car with a stranger, or accepting a gift from someone they don’t know, or helping an adult who conjures up a story about a lost dog he is trying to find.  These are straight-forward scenarios and ones that should be discussed with children.  They are sometimes referred to as “stranger danger” situations. 

The unfortunate truth is that the vast majority of sex offenders are friends, relatives, and neighbors who are known and trusted by the child and the child’s family.  This, of course, makes the matter far more awkward to discuss and difficult to manage. 

When stories of rapes and sexual offenses are reported in the media, school age children may have questions that are hard to answer and can cause parents anxiety.  It is not easy to talk about these criminal offenses to innocent young children, but it is necessary.  With school-age children who have had some sex education, parents can explain that a predator is someone who wants to force sex on another person against their will. 

Parents should begin to discuss the concept of personal safety with children as young as preschool age.  It is important to not scare a child into thinking that menacing forces lurk around every corner, but parents need to provide kids with information and ways to try to stay safe. 

It is essential to let children know that it is never their fault if they are victimized by a sex offender.  Sometimes a child breaks a rule and puts him- or herself in harm’s way.  Despite their wrongdoing, they should not be blamed for the actions of the predator.  They must trust that you will not hold them responsible for being victimized.  This is essential for a couple of reasons:  to spare them from experiencing undeserved guilt and so they will not be inhibited about reporting to you. 

Kids have poor judgment, they are impulsive, and they are easily fooled.  Adult predators count on these things.  Pedophiles consciously and deliberately manipulate situations in order to take advantage of children.  They strategize and carefully put their plans into action over time.  Perpetrators I have spoken with admit they seek jobs and other opportunities to put them in proximity to potential victims.  They study the child’s habits, get to know what the child likes, and educate themselves about the child’s interests.  It is not a sudden irresistible urge.  They gradually build up to the abuse by winning over the child. 

It is useful to discuss potential and hypothetical scenarios with children.  Parents can create imaginary situations and ask the child what should be done.  For example, you can say, “A grown up you know wants to touch you under your clothing.  What should you do?”  Or, “An adult you don’t know says he is a doctor and asks you to get into the car to help them find an address for a sick child.  What should you do?”  You can create a series of made-up situations and let your child know they have the right to refuse to participate.  They should have your permission to be rude and voice an objection and, if possible, flee the situation if possible.  Also, instruct them to let you know about it.  There should be no secret arrangements with other adults. 

You can also have conversations about “good” and “bad” touch, which has been written about a great deal and has probably been discussed in school.  Some people recommend telling a child that nobody is allowed to touch their bodies in areas that a bathing suit would cover.  This is okay, but it doesn’t really include other actions such as stroking a child’s face or hair or other parts of the body.  Children can sense when something is not quite right even if they can’t fully describe it.  They need to let you know when they get that feeling. 

But most of all, parents need to be vigilant and cautious.  A child should not be expected to be solely in charge of his or her own safety.  Parents need to be on the lookout for red flags such as an adult wanting to spend time alone with your child.  Or an adult who attempts to have a relationship that excludes you.  Remember, pedophiles are sneaky and scheming:  they work on ways to trick children into molestation.